* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Sound advice

May 7 2002
Matt's making a career change

How difficult can it be? They're young and getting pocket money for the first time. When advertising targets them in the centre of its sights, they don't know what's hit them. What's more, they're encountering these nerve-wracking situations for the first time in their lives, they don't know what to do and nor do any of their friends. In summary: They'll buy anything, and they don't know good advice from bad.

So it's decided. I'm going to become a teen magazine advice columnist.

This is my first piece, How to help when your friend gets binned.

When someone gets dumped they're vulnerable with low self-esteem. As a good friend, it's your job to be sensitive and supportive. However, knowing what to say is tricky and it's easy to make a terrible faux pax. Next time you're playing the understanding-buddy role, consult this simple guide to find out the most appropriate comforting phrase.


It wasn't like their Significant Other was unknown to everyone -- they were really popular with your entire circle of friends in their own right. What's everyone going to say? Are they going to take sides? What if everyone sides with him? Your friend needs support, to know they're the important one here.

You say:

I never liked him anyway.


Your friend's been in an up and down relationship. Sure they had great fun, but there was also some really bad times. Shouting, arguments, sulks that would last for days. Sometimes your friend would be left in tears in the bar. Maybe you could even call it abusive. But all your friend can do is remember the great times. You need to remind them that it wasn't all roses, that maybe things can even be better now.

You say:

You're better off without him.


It's all been pretty one sided. The ex was always borrowing money, turning up late for dates, taking advantage. It was worse than that. You know for a fact the ex was sleeping around on those "boy's nights out", and your friend doesn't know this. There's the chance they're going to get back together, because your friend still thinks the ex is a paragon of virtue. You need to hint this isn't quite the case, without letting anything too hurtful out.

You say:

You were too good for them anyway.


The ex was real dog.

You say:

It was just puppy love.


She's just been dumped by Aquaman.

You say:

There are plenty more fish in the sea.


You're friend's really hot. And they're just been dumped. And they're hot. And they've just been dumped.

You say:

You don't say a word. They have low self-estreem. They're vulnerable. You get them blind drunk, and comfort them in that really special way. You know. With your cock.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
23 October 2003. Matt writes: Topology
2 October 2003. Matt writes: Haunted
8 September 2003. Matt writes: The Gardener's Diary
21 August 2003. Matt writes: The Starling Variable
31 July 2003. Matt writes: Two stories
14 July 2003. Matt writes: What is real?
23 June 2003. Matt writes: Mapping and journeys
29 May 2003. Matt writes: Extelligence
5 May 2003. Matt writes: Religious experiences
17 April 2003. Matt writes: Seeing the Light
27 March 2003. Matt writes: Flowering
10 March 2003. Matt writes: Climax state
10 February 2003. Matt writes: The Role of Cooperation in Human Interaction
20 January 2003. Matt writes: The same old subroutine
2 January 2003. Matt writes: New beginnings
9 December 2002. Matt writes: Packet Loss
18 November 2002. Matt writes: Wonderland
31 October 2002. Matt writes: Having and losing
10 October 2002. Matt writes: Trees of Knowledge
19 September 2002. Matt writes: The online life of bigplaty47
29 August 2002. Matt writes: Divorce
8 August 2002. Matt writes: How to get exactly what you want
18 July 2002. Matt writes: Eleven Graceland endings
27 June 2002. Matt writes: Listopad, Prague 1989
3 June 2002. Matt writes: Engram bullets
6 May 2002. Matt writes: Sound advice
15 April 2002. Matt writes: How it all works: Cars
21 March 2002. Matt writes: Proceeding to the next stage
25 February 2002. Matt writes: Spam quartet
31 January 2002. Matt writes: Person to person
7 January 2002. Matt writes: All for the best
13 December 2001. Matt writes: Life
19 November 2001. Matt writes: Giving is better than receiving
25 October 2001. Matt writes: Ludo
1 October 2001. Matt writes: Gifts, contracts, and whispers
6 September 2001. Matt writes: The world is ending
13 August 2001. Matt writes: The Church of Mrs Bins
16 July 2001. Matt writes: Things I Don't Have
25 June 2001. Matt writes: Fighting the Good Fight
31 May 2001. Matt writes: Code dependency
7 May 2001. Matt writes: Up The Arse, Or Not At All
5 April 2001. Matt writes: The increasing nonlinearity of time
19 March 2001. Matt writes: Hit Me Baby, One More Time
22 February 2001. Matt writes: Space, Matter, Cities, Sausages
29 January 2001. Matt writes: Truth in Advertising
1 January 2001. Matt writes: Six predictions for tomorrow
7 December 2000. Matt writes: You must reach this line to ride
16 November 2000. Matt writes: The truth about the leopard
23 October 2000. Matt writes: Shopping mauls
28 September 2000. Matt writes: Heavy traffic on the road to Utopia
4 September 2000. Matt writes: Sixty worlds a minute
17 July 2000. Matt writes: You, Me, and Face-space

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