One year. 100 articles. So we're having a Reader's Party. Come along to Upsidecrown.

Upsideclown banner

Fresh Mondays and Thursdays   ARCHIVE   US


You must reach this line to ride

7 December 2000
Matt has heard "It's what you do with it that counts" one time too many.

In the universe next to ours, Adolf Hitler was nine metres tall with a moustache like a sofa and when he invaded Poland the rest of the world turned round and said, "mate, just have it."

A gigantic Hitler. A crazy dictator with feet that could crush houses, fingers like pink whales flying through the sky, tethered at their tails. An enormous man, splashing through the English Channel, swatting the Battle of Britain out of the clouds, striding over the countryside.

And then to London, wading through the houses, throwing buses asunder, holding the tower of Big Ben, broken from its foundations, in both hands aloft, waving it in victory.

Would we not have thought that Ragnarok had come? Would we not have bowed before this almighty mammoth of a man?

So I guess what I'm saying is: size matters.

Enough with the platitudes already then. What would you rather hear: Size doesn't matter, or, Omigod. Small but beautiful formed, or, are those real?

And at a stroke I eliminate tiny things from my life. Ronnie Corbett: gone (that's a quarter century of comic history instantly improved. Fucking dwarf). Bees, wasps, hornets. Never again. Hah!

Sand. Yes, sand too. Sand is useless, and not just because it's small. It gets on everything and in everything (yes, even that). And it's uncomfortable to lie on. Beaches shall henceforth be covered in that rubber stuff used at children's playgrounds. And the sea made into a massive ballpool. Sand is banned. History.

Special dispensation can be made for builders. Or they can use icing sugar or something.

Belly buttons are next on my list. They're not cute, they get filled with belly jam. And then they start to ooze pus and muck -- how is that good? Unless yours makes pearls or something, like an oyster.

Alas along with my purge of tiny things will have to go chocolate buttons, Tic-Tacs, Altoids, jellybeans, Rolos, popping candy, shrimps and Fisherman's Friends (well, I'm not too worried about that one). But not to worry, because instead we'll have chocolate buttons the size of plates and you'll only need to buy one which will be cheaper, save us all money, and help the economy. Maybe.

In the new regime, small is out and big is the only legal size to be. Face it, we're going that way already. We can't help it, it's built into our brains. Hardcoded. For thousands of years.

Imagine, would two billion people worship Jesus if he'd been nailed to two twigs crossed over, six inches across? Bollocks they would. Jesus gets the fan mail because he went out high up and nobody else has copped it like that. We admire him for it. Who else has died actually a long way off the ground? Exactly.

I mean, before aeroplanes. And even when people die in 'planes it's generally because they're hitting the ground at terminal velocity. Stop being picky.

It'll be a grand new age for humanity. The only reason we pretend to be so nice about little things now is because some of our friends have tiny dicks. Dump them. Move on, get over it. They haven't got a place in the new world order.

Fact: People with small bodily parts lack the confidence necessary to take part in the twenty-first century.

So, are you with me? Do you dare take the lead? Have you had enough of your compact car, cramped apartment, funsize Mars bars? Throw them aside. Come build the Tower of Babylon and ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven. Grow another few inches and we'll be able to reach the stars.

Supersize it.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
23 October 2003. Matt writes: Topology
2 October 2003. Matt writes: Haunted
8 September 2003. Matt writes: The Gardener's Diary
21 August 2003. Matt writes: The Starling Variable
31 July 2003. Matt writes: Two stories
14 July 2003. Matt writes: What is real?
23 June 2003. Matt writes: Mapping and journeys
29 May 2003. Matt writes: Extelligence
5 May 2003. Matt writes: Religious experiences
17 April 2003. Matt writes: Seeing the Light
27 March 2003. Matt writes: Flowering
10 March 2003. Matt writes: Climax state
10 February 2003. Matt writes: The Role of Cooperation in Human Interaction
20 January 2003. Matt writes: The same old subroutine
2 January 2003. Matt writes: New beginnings
9 December 2002. Matt writes: Packet Loss
18 November 2002. Matt writes: Wonderland
31 October 2002. Matt writes: Having and losing
10 October 2002. Matt writes: Trees of Knowledge
19 September 2002. Matt writes: The online life of bigplaty47
29 August 2002. Matt writes: Divorce
8 August 2002. Matt writes: How to get exactly what you want
18 July 2002. Matt writes: Eleven Graceland endings
27 June 2002. Matt writes: Listopad, Prague 1989
3 June 2002. Matt writes: Engram bullets
6 May 2002. Matt writes: Sound advice
15 April 2002. Matt writes: How it all works: Cars
21 March 2002. Matt writes: Proceeding to the next stage
25 February 2002. Matt writes: Spam quartet
31 January 2002. Matt writes: Person to person
7 January 2002. Matt writes: All for the best
13 December 2001. Matt writes: Life
19 November 2001. Matt writes: Giving is better than receiving
25 October 2001. Matt writes: Ludo
1 October 2001. Matt writes: Gifts, contracts, and whispers
6 September 2001. Matt writes: The world is ending
13 August 2001. Matt writes: The Church of Mrs Bins
16 July 2001. Matt writes: Things I Don't Have
25 June 2001. Matt writes: Fighting the Good Fight
31 May 2001. Matt writes: Code dependency
7 May 2001. Matt writes: Up The Arse, Or Not At All
5 April 2001. Matt writes: The increasing nonlinearity of time
19 March 2001. Matt writes: Hit Me Baby, One More Time
22 February 2001. Matt writes: Space, Matter, Cities, Sausages
29 January 2001. Matt writes: Truth in Advertising
1 January 2001. Matt writes: Six predictions for tomorrow
7 December 2000. Matt writes: You must reach this line to ride
16 November 2000. Matt writes: The truth about the leopard
23 October 2000. Matt writes: Shopping mauls
28 September 2000. Matt writes: Heavy traffic on the road to Utopia
4 September 2000. Matt writes: Sixty worlds a minute
17 July 2000. Matt writes: You, Me, and Face-space

Let meeeeee entertain you


We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)