One year. 100 articles. So we're having a Reader's Party. Come along to Upsidecrown.

Upsideclown banner

Fresh Mondays and Thursdays   ARCHIVE   US


Shopping mauls

23 October 2000
Matt would not like an instore charge card.

So what about these so-called shopping malls? Who cares about their shops, their stalls, their makeup-caked assistants, their fifteen levels of multi-storey parking? It's good, isn't it? Handy? Convenient?

Think again.

The mall, anyway: What is it really? It's a place at which to shop. A watering hole for our consumerism. But it's not safe. Consider for a moment the types of shops in there: chainstores (that is: branches of larger corporations, not bondage equipment stockists) and food halls. Everything you could ever desire.

But who does this hurt? The independent retailer is being put out of business by these faceless corporations. Yes, faceless. Why did you think the workers were plastered with so much foundation?

Who would do this? Who would want to put out of work the individual, like you or me? Ah. Now you're interested. Now you want a motive.

First let's examine why we go to malls.

We go to malls because it looks like a good idea on the tele. But this is a strange, counterproductive tactic for the globe-spanning televisual networks: Why would they want to lead us away from the screen when their money is to be made with us watching it? Why would they want us away from our homes, our wives, our children -- weak, vulnerable children, left unguarded; desperate wives willing to do all manner of degrading, disgusting, embarrassingly arousing and erotic things in order to save little Jane and Johnny? Why, eh?

Already we have the beginnings of a conspiracy. But with whom?

What else are malls? Malls are large purpose built monstrosities. They can take several years to build and are extremely expensive. Who has the most to gain here? Builders. And they have vast foodhalls, full of sickly sweet food that is most probably very bad for your teeth.

Now dentists, as we all know, are paid not according to how much work they do but by how many people they see. People come to see them anyway, and so it's in their interest to have the teeth as healthy as possible in advance. Malls are bad for this.

Let's go back to the independent trader. 'Independent' ends with 'dent', as in 'dentist'. So now we see. Continue: 'pen' is the mark of the author, whose work is being devalued by the rise of the tele. (I'm not sure what the 'inde' means.)

Opposing these freedom fighters are the builders (or masons, or Freemasons if you like) and the television producers. The television producers set the fires of our consumerism burning. The Freemasons work to construct malls in which we can buy and consume. Back on tele, the producers tell us to go away from the screen. While gone, they rape our wives and steal our biscuits, and eat our children (why else do they call it 'consuming'?).

The masons populate their malls with huge corporations that want to bind us in servitude - 'chain' stores, see - and take away our faces to break down into skin and fats and jewellery, which they then sell back to us.

On the counterstrike are an uneasy cartel of dentists and authors. But maybe not authors! The beginning of 'independent' is a corruption of 'in the pen' which refers to shepherds, who were the originators of oral traditions and thus tie together dentists and storytellers in one fell swoop.

The commonly-found 'High Street' is a remark on the moral ground of these small shops. In the USA the masonic conspiracy was already far advanced which is why we find no High Streets -- they were blocked by the city planners. You see it's obvious once you start looking. The city planners are controlled by the governments who are in turn knitted together by the Illuminati.

The masons battle for a society where everyone is the same and fits together - just another brick in the wall - true to their construction philosophy.

The 'independent' traders fight back with local shops! You'll notice that the word is simply a shorthand for 'low calorie', ie good for your teeth.

But the Freemasons and television producers have the edge. The Rothschilds fund the building of huge out of town malls. The Illuminati, who of course control the means of production, contribute a road-building programme to encourage us to take our cars which means that on Saturdays (especially) there is an staggering stock of fuel in the multi-stories. And the shepherds are too far away to do anything.

On a day of the Pope's death the Illuminati take what money has been directed at the Euro to stabilise the currency from the European Central Bank, drive it to Switzerland where the Rothschilds convert it into consumer non-durables supplied by the World Trade Organisation. Meanwhile the Swiss Guard at the Vatican storm the chapels and force the cardinals to direct the devout into the malls which at that moment are being converted by the Scientologists and the Freemasons into enormous spacecraft using machinery previously constructed under the guise of being the next James Cameron film (thankyou tele producers). The vast quantities of petrol are used to propel the entire shopping centre into orbit, leaving the orthodontists and the playwrights to scrap it out over what remains of our wives, our biscuits and our television sets (which of course no longer work).

And we'll all be stuck in outer space with nothing but a Gap, a McDonalds, no books and extremely bad teeth.

Right, I'm off now. To go shopping.

Shopping for death.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
23 October 2003. Matt writes: Topology
2 October 2003. Matt writes: Haunted
8 September 2003. Matt writes: The Gardener's Diary
21 August 2003. Matt writes: The Starling Variable
31 July 2003. Matt writes: Two stories
14 July 2003. Matt writes: What is real?
23 June 2003. Matt writes: Mapping and journeys
29 May 2003. Matt writes: Extelligence
5 May 2003. Matt writes: Religious experiences
17 April 2003. Matt writes: Seeing the Light
27 March 2003. Matt writes: Flowering
10 March 2003. Matt writes: Climax state
10 February 2003. Matt writes: The Role of Cooperation in Human Interaction
20 January 2003. Matt writes: The same old subroutine
2 January 2003. Matt writes: New beginnings
9 December 2002. Matt writes: Packet Loss
18 November 2002. Matt writes: Wonderland
31 October 2002. Matt writes: Having and losing
10 October 2002. Matt writes: Trees of Knowledge
19 September 2002. Matt writes: The online life of bigplaty47
29 August 2002. Matt writes: Divorce
8 August 2002. Matt writes: How to get exactly what you want
18 July 2002. Matt writes: Eleven Graceland endings
27 June 2002. Matt writes: Listopad, Prague 1989
3 June 2002. Matt writes: Engram bullets
6 May 2002. Matt writes: Sound advice
15 April 2002. Matt writes: How it all works: Cars
21 March 2002. Matt writes: Proceeding to the next stage
25 February 2002. Matt writes: Spam quartet
31 January 2002. Matt writes: Person to person
7 January 2002. Matt writes: All for the best
13 December 2001. Matt writes: Life
19 November 2001. Matt writes: Giving is better than receiving
25 October 2001. Matt writes: Ludo
1 October 2001. Matt writes: Gifts, contracts, and whispers
6 September 2001. Matt writes: The world is ending
13 August 2001. Matt writes: The Church of Mrs Bins
16 July 2001. Matt writes: Things I Don't Have
25 June 2001. Matt writes: Fighting the Good Fight
31 May 2001. Matt writes: Code dependency
7 May 2001. Matt writes: Up The Arse, Or Not At All
5 April 2001. Matt writes: The increasing nonlinearity of time
19 March 2001. Matt writes: Hit Me Baby, One More Time
22 February 2001. Matt writes: Space, Matter, Cities, Sausages
29 January 2001. Matt writes: Truth in Advertising
1 January 2001. Matt writes: Six predictions for tomorrow
7 December 2000. Matt writes: You must reach this line to ride
16 November 2000. Matt writes: The truth about the leopard
23 October 2000. Matt writes: Shopping mauls
28 September 2000. Matt writes: Heavy traffic on the road to Utopia
4 September 2000. Matt writes: Sixty worlds a minute
17 July 2000. Matt writes: You, Me, and Face-space

Let meeeeee entertain you


We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)