* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Our Tune

27 October 2003
Victor knows the songs you can't get out of your head.

"Gooood morning, Victor! You're listening to VBR, inner radio for the world's second coolest person, brought to you by the Internal Soundtrack Network. I'm Victor Barnes, and for the next three hours I'll be your guide through your mood music. Still to come later in the programme we have "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones sung out loud post-coital in the shower, Bill Withers' "Lovely Day" hummed over a mug of coffee and a Rich Tea during a break from hanging the washing out, and Ten Pole Tudor's "Swords of a Thousand Men" whilst writing your next piece for Upsideclown. All this and more for you on VBR -

<<VBR - the music you choose, to suit your moods.>>

As always we'll have another round of our daily quiz, Cheesy Clangerz, where you 'phone in with the pop intrusions that least suit your circumstances, for a chance to win more chances to win tomorrow. Yesterday's lucky winner was Victor Barnes with Black Lace's "Agadoo", which popped into his head when watching The Omen and American History X in quick succession. Let's see if the current champion can see off our challengers: his internal rendition of "Bright Eyes" at the moment of climax looks like a strong contender. It's coming up to eleven o'clock. Now over to Victor and the team in the left frontal lobe for the news, sport, weather and travel where you are...

...OK, welcome back. Don't touch that dial - you're listening to VBR, where every song is chosen in your mind with you in mind - and this is the request hour with me, Victor Barnes. Today's classic tracks include Johnny Nash, "I Can See Clearly Now The Van Has Gone", Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons' cover of "Turn That Pan Down To Four Or The Pasta Will Boil Over" and Shania Twain with "Must Post That Student Loan Deferment Form And Notification Of Change of Address".

I have here a letter from a Victor Barnes of Highcliffe-on-Sea, Dorset. Victor's been through the mill a bit over the past eighteen months, but is enjoying a new lease of life after a much-needed hip replacement. He'd like us to play a special track for a special person who knows who they are. So here's Dido with "Put Down That Fucking Take A Break And Shag Me".

Victor, this one's for you.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeeee entertain you

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

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