* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

You will eat chips and go nowhere

17 February 2003
Victor is Sagittarius rising

Week beginning 17th February

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

You will find a piece of bone in your bacon sandwich. Try not to vomit in front of the other people at the bus stop.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Luck wears a green beret and crotchless panties.

Gemini (May 22-June 22)

That car is worth more than two grand and you know it. Give the man his due.

Cancer (June 23-July 23)

Beware of the one-armed man in the frozen foods aisle. He will invite you to stroke his puppy. Common sense, really.

Leo (July 24-Aug 23)

Mars in Venus presents a troubling aspect to the financial area of your chart. Lions with Scorpio rising may find that they have more eczema than usual.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Some people feel that heaven is a cake shop where you can eat as much as you like without putting on weight. It isn't.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

A life-long dream will be fulfilled when you redeem your Angel Delight coupon.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

As the sexiest sign of the zodiac you like to search for meaningful encounters in the most unusual of places. There's a sting in the tale for you today - geddit?

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Life in the estate will turn you to violence. You will eat chips and go nowhere.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Use the day for figuring out complex problems and by tonight you'll see the solution!

It's 9.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Special message for Elaine of Northampton - a better value sofa is just around the corner.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

It is important to bear in mind all this week that it is not just your star sign that is fishy.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeeee entertain you

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