* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

What life is not

22 July 2002
Victor in philosophical mode

Life is not

- a bowl of cherries. Bowl (bol): a hemispherical vessel, wider than it is deep, used for holding food or fluids. Cherry (cher'e): a. any of several trees or shrubs of the genus Prunus, especially P. avium or P. cerasus, native chiefly to northern temperate regions and having pink or white flowers and small juicy drupes. b. The yellow, red, or blackish fruit of any of these plants.

Cherries when ripe are deepest red and juicy. Dropped carelessly into a shallow bowl of finest white porcelain they should be placed on a newly stripped oak table to bask in Mediterranean sunlight spilling in of an evening from the veranda. Stalks that are still green should be left to add rustic simplicity to the visual perfection and purity of the fruit. Life shouldn't.

- a bed of roses. Bed (bed): a piece of furniture for reclining and sleeping, typically consisting of a flat, rectangular frame and a mattress resting on springs. Rose (riz): a. any of numerous shrubs or vines of the genus Rosa, having prickly stems, pinnately compound leaves, and variously coloured, often fragrant flowers. b. the flower of any of these plants.

Remove thorns before lying down. To walk on flowers is, I would imagine, a lovely though wasteful experience; to sleep on them even more indulgent. But I'd be surprised if many people have really and truly done it. So, not like life, see?

- a box of chocolates. Box (boks): a container typically constructed with four sides perpendicular to the base and often having a lid or cover. Chocolate (chok'lit): fermented, roasted, shelled, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweetener or flavouring agent.

"You never know which one you're gonna get"? Which what? Eighty per cent of US soldiers serving in Vietnam were certified retards. Fact.

- like a butterfly. Butterfly (but'er-fli'): any of various insects of the order Lepidoptera, characteristically having slender bodies, knobbed antennae, and four broad, usually colourful wings.

"Life is like a butterfly". So went the theme tune of the late Seventies sitcom "Butterflies", which starred Wendy Craig and Geoffrey Palmer and launched the career of Nicholas "Rodney" Lyndhurst. The hook was that the family was so unhappy being a family. As a result we laughed at people having affairs, getting cancer, etc. Nice idea, but that's life, not a butterfly. A butterfly lives for a year. Most people hope to live longer. Life can't be anything like an insect with brightly coloured wings. And if it is, why can't I fly?

- a beach. Beach (bech): the shore of a body of water, especially when sandy or pebbly.

The one is my favourite place, the other currently not. The former straddles - and has the best of - both worlds. True, the sun shines on both, but the beach is much more consistent in this regard. I'd like to be able to sit on life, but haven't yet worked out how.

- a bitch. Bitch (bich): a female canine animal, especially a dog.

Genevrally better behaved than the male, but a nuisance to white upholstery when in season. The right bitch is light brown with a beard, wiry-haired, smelling slightly of damp, good at catching and swimming, occasionally performing circus tricks for no reward but the fun of it; preferably capable of biting apples off trees, swinging on washing lines by her teeth, canoeing and catching balloons without bursting them. Life is, therefore, not a bitch. But love is.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

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