* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.


31 March 2003
Bombshell. Where now for Victor?

I have a confession to make. I am not, after all, a man. I am, after all, five feet ten and a half inches, ten and a half stone, of brown-eyed, brunette, pneumatic woman. I wear skirts, makeup, and perfume, shave my legs and armpits, cry at Pet Rescue. I also have sex with men, but that doesn't necessarily make me a woman, nor does being a woman necessarily entail having sex with men.

The more eagle-eyed of you may have noticed some inconsistency in my literary persona. Some analysis by way of illustration:


Beat the Mongol; Cough;; Green Gauges; Blind Weed; Body Art.


The Accidental Voyeur; Gripper Goes Bang; Bediquette; An Immodest Proposal; Gingermingeninja; King of the Aisles; You're not going to put...; Burt Pakamak.


Relevant Experience; You will eat chips...; A bushy fish...; Where have all the...; Fastscan Masterplan; Dry Humping Social...; What Life is Not; Stupor heroes; Dry; Muppet Suite; Sodomize with Pukka...; Dave's Problem; Here come the decorator...; Make war, not supper; Snout!; What is a droll?; Board to Death; Tricolon with anaphora?; Point of View; Goth's Dinner; Les Miserables; Flat-packed furniture; Deliverance; Bottomry: exorcising...; Disney must die; Ice-cream in Offworld; I like sweets that taste...; I've seen the future,....

The results of my research are somewhat surprising. I was hoping to show you that, despite the constancy of my name, my femininity has nevertheless imposed itself on my writing. In fact, whilst I am clearly more female than male, the predominant impression is that I am profoundly uncertain of my gender. There are other useful insights: gender distinction is more likely in my most recent pieces; most of my titles are far too long to be memorable. One thing I do know - I don't have a cock.

I think it may be time for a rethink.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeeee entertain you

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

Never come here again

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays, and you'll never need to visit this website again. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)


... On this page: ... Archive ... About ... Subscribe ... ... Upsideclone