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Les Miserables

1 February 2001
Sur-prise par-tie! It'll take a lot to cheer Victor up.

I have successfully taken control of the International Arts Council, with the aid only of fawning and cunnilingus. My first piece of policy is to be the strict enforcement of new regulations on the content of musicals. Whilst it is widely acknowledged that musicals need to be scrapped per se, I have been advised (appropriately, I believe) not to launch myself onto such a minefield with all guns blazing. There are several factors, besides an overwhelming moral responsibility, to be considered.

There's a certain risk involved in depriving the masses of their opium, the plebs of their circuses. Proles like musicals because:

  1. They have a certain universality of theme. Plots can be reduced to two categories - unrequited love and unrequited love due to the divisive nature of conflict. Common people are too ugly to get laid and get into lots of fights, hence a certain Neanderthal imaginary identification.
  2. They can identify all the songs. Even the least musically gifted can guess the ending of a Lloyd-Webber number. In fact, some researcher somewhere has transposed all of his songs one on top of the other in order to prove that they're identical. Try it yourself one day if you're already done with scratching your eyeballs with a hatpin.
  3. To a troglodyte, the musical represents class, an extra-special night out in a capital city. This air of excitement has led to the phenomenon known as "starlighting", whereby the underprivileged attempt to collect the full set of musical experiences on offer, thereby showing themselves to be "cultured" and savant.

The last function, although seemingly subversive, is entirely harmless and, in veritate, useful. True, you don't want people getting ideas above their station that would upset the (non-existent) class system. But there's something about Phantom of the Opera that is curiously like soma. Provide them with a holiday from life BUT (and here's the rub) make them pay for it.

Naturally I have also had to take into account the interests of the participants, the so- called "actors" and "singers". The Musical Alliance's recent demonstrations world- wide have brought the prospects of the "profession" under international scrutiny. The Alliance alleges that a ban on musicals would result in up to 80 per cent of the "actors" having to be put down. Whatever the benefits of such a scheme, I can do without that much blood on my hands. Consequently the Council will be implementing a different scheme.

From 15th March 2001 there will be a full-scale overhaul of the content of musicals. Content will be strictly limited to the following topics:

  1. Horse rape
  2. Tattooing babies
  3. Dysfunctional electrical equipment
  4. Hard-to-reach back teeth

A definite improvement. Not only two more categories, but items which studies have shown to predominate in the waking thoughts of your average prole.

In response to my directives the writing/composing collectives have been hard at work in production of randomly generated pieces. So far they have completed the following:

Aspects of Zoophilia (possibly to be renamed My Mare Lady) - charts the blissful, though forced, union, and subsequent agonising separation in the horrors of Great War France, of a young gentleman and his comely grey mare. Current obstacle: how to get the horse to sing. Note to stage management collectives - mace or cosh?

Annie Get Your Toaster - a woman in a man's world, Annie Oakley dreams of becoming the fastest electrical repair person in the West. Does she succeed? Like I'm going to tell you. Buy a fucking ticket.

Grease - zoophilia again.

So, the plots initially seem slightly unlikely or unrepresentative. But any more so than the presumption that heavily made-up rollerskatin' humanoids can accurately represent the emotional entanglements and career concerns of railroad carriages?


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeee entertain you


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