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Board to Death

10 May 2001
Victor, have you been to any meetings recently?

Joint Consultative Committee

The first meeting of the Committee for 2001 was held on Thursday 10th May 2001 in the Old Branding Room, Antichrist's Lodgings.

Present: Satan, Mr A. Hitler, Mr V. Dracul, Diana, Princess of Wales

Apologies were received from Dr V. Frankenstein, who was attending the AGM of the Creative Circle being held simultaneously.


1. Minutes of meeting of 31st October 2000. Approved.

2. Matters arising from the minutes.

Item 1. Satan asked whether there had been problems with maintenance of the Torture Chamber since the transfer of responsibility for the room. There had been none of significance, but it was pointed out that the room was sometimes locked by accident and it was then difficult to gain access to the equipment. Satan said that all Officers of Tartarus, and the Secretary, knew the combination for unlocking the door, and he undertook to ensure that they were reminded of it on the rare occasions when the door was not open.

Item 2. Satan thanked the members of the Committee and, through them, all inhabitants of Hades, for their contribution to securing the Domain a maximum rating in the recent Quality Review. He circulated the Review Team's immediate feedback on the Domain's strengths and weaknesses; notable amongst the latter were concerns about negative publicity. Mr Hitler suggested a taskforce led by his friend Dr Goebbels to investigate cost-effective means of improving the Domain's image in order to boost recruitment. This in turn raised the question of how Dr Goebbels' transfer from Heaven might be achieved: a possible exchange with The Princess was suggested but rejected on grounds of implausibility.

Item 3. Satan reported, on information supplied by Dr Frankenstein, that the basement of the Library had been refurbished over the Christmas break, though the problems with the under floor heating had yet to be solved; that certain acts of vandalism had been committed, particularly against Christian volumes; that a think tank was in the process of being established to combat the theft of chocolate bars from the machine in the coffee shop.

3. Election of representative to the Inter-Domain Consultative Board. Satan reported that he had ascertained that no such election was required, since the Inter-Domain Board no longer performed any significant functions; it had been effectively replaced by the Joint Board of the Celestial, Terrestrial, Oceanic and Subterranean Spheres, which met quarterly and whose members were elected by the unions of the respective Domains. He pointed out, however, that the unions had found it difficult to recruit candidates, and invited anyone wishing to be nominated to let him know so that their name could be forwarded to the appropriate quarter.

4. Use of, and access to, workspace in the Domain. It appeared that keys to the Domain Officer's workstations were about to be ordered; Satan undertook to do all he could to hurry the process on, and to ensure that keys were distributed as rapidly as possible once they arrived. All members of the committee resolved to monitor the situation.

With regard to the allocation of space in the Domain, Mr Dracul reported that he had received several complaints from the Impaler's Union about having to share their workshop with the Ministry for Freaks, in particular that the cripples were putting the impaling artists off their delicate and demanding task. Satan agreed to consult with the Planning Committee about a redistribution of floor space within the next twelve months. Mr Dracul pointed out that he knew of at least one castle in Eastern Europe that could be made available for impaling. The Committee resolved to look further into the possibility of taking its operations above ground. The Princess reminded the Chair of what had happened at Waco the last time.

5. Date of next meeting. Wednesday 31st October 2001.

The meeting ended at approximately 1.50 pm.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

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