* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.


16 August 2001
Victor peers into the lives of the bitch and scabrous.

This week, Snout! talks to Tarnia Heathcliff-Slutt about her loves, her favourite listening, and how she spends her Sunday evenings.

Born in 1975, the elder daughter of Lord and Lady Lavenham, Tarnia was educated at the Lucy Graves Academy, Grenoble and at Durham University. She works in Public Relations and lives in London and Gloucestershire.

Who is the love of your life?

Ooh. Hard to say. There are so many. At the moment it's my miniature greyhound, Ambience (pronounced Ombionce, as the French). I rescued him from Battersea last May, and since then he has gone everywhere with me. My long-standing companion Clifford, a Chinese crested powder puff, died last year after a prolonged battle with behavioural problems. Before that I had a man.

What are the two most recent albums you have bought?

David Gray - White Ladder, recommended to me by one of the patients at the Outreach centre where I work, unpaid, one day a week. It's so genuine, from the heart. The last was Ministry of Sound Summer 2001 Volume 2. It's my soundtrack to the summer - hard house, big beats, chilled grooves. It reminds me of last year in Ibiza, and the time I spent winding down afterwards.

How have you spent the last few days?

At an inner wellbeing workshop in Shropshire. I lead a really hectic life, and often have to juggle public appearances with my regular work, so I felt I needed to learn some relaxation techniques and complimentary therapies. The tutors there also taught me how to actively listen to my body's needs; I can now tell when I need to slow down, take it easy, sleep, even eat.

What are your plans for the immediate future?

I'm having a bit of a rest for the next few weeks - I've been working too hard recently, so I'm going to spend some time with a poet friend of mine in Cephalonia. After that I'll be going back to work for a few days. I certainly have some projects in the pipeline - my beauty range is currently in production, and Donatella's agents have asked me to model for her London show next season.

You've been spotted in the company of art doyen Henry Dene-Cunklehurst. Are you two an item?

Harry and I are friends from way back. I've seen quite a lot of him recently because of his contacts in the music world. Thanks to him I'm now in talks with the people at Tube Records. Henry's very happy with Carla at the moment - she's a simply gorgeous model from Brazil.

What would you like to achieve if you had more time?

Well, I'd like to be around more for Ambience. I do feel I neglect him somewhat. There's a new scheme for disadvantaged lower middle class children in the Home Counties - I would love to offer them my services were I not so bus(t)y. And of course there are the cheetahs out in Tanzania, whom I met whilst working for Comic Relief in 1998. Someone should do something about their awful conditions.

What would you like to be remembered for?

Making the world a slightly happier and more caring place. I'd like to think that in my own small way I have been an ambassador for peace.

Tarnia Heathcliff-Slutt is currently appearing in Les Miserables at the Prince of Wales Theatre. Next week, Snout! asks celebrity gardener Haydn Tod what he does when he takes his gloves off.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

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