One year. 100 articles. So we're having a Reader's Party. Come along to Upsidecrown.

Upsideclown banner

Fresh Mondays and Thursdays   ARCHIVE   US



14 December 2000
Victor strongly advises you against it.

Oh God no, not that. I really don't think you should. But, let's face it. No matter what I say, you're going to do it anyway. I know that. Advice never works. So don't ask for it. You don't want it and you're not going to take it. Let me tell you what you do want.

You want me to tell you that the boss is going to love that sales report of yours; that he isn't going to notice that the figures are down on last year; that the coffee stain on the dog-eared cover offers a witty commentary on the material exhaustion of modern society; that the strength of your performance will clinch your promotion to the upper echelons and set you on your way to inevitable world domination. I can't do that.

And when you contemplate a torrid affair with the boss in order to boost your prospects you want me to tell you that it's a great idea; that he really will leave his wife for you; that you won't lose the remaining iota of respect from your colleagues; that it really will be great when his kids move in - you always wanted to have some yourself one day in any case; that it could prove to be a positive learning experience. I'm soooo sorry. That's not possible.

You've just been shopping and you want me to reassure you about your new outfit. You want me to tell you that you're not flat-chested; that your panty line isn't visible and that your arse isn't the size of Alaska; that your double chin gives him something to hang on to; that the bags under your eyes will disappear if you stick slices of cucumber on them and have a good night's sleep. It's not gonna happen, bitch.

Basically, "you can't handle the truth". But that's a good thing. Because if none of us were deluded people would never take risks. Nothing would ever be achieved. Truth is all very well as an ideal pursuit, but it never did anyone any favours. Deny the truth and you have aims and objectives, self-esteem, fantasies and phantasms which may or may not be realised.

Be unafraid. Be very unafraid. Feel fine making a fool of yourself. I will collaborate in your insanity. And while you fuck up your life and everybody else's, I will be your conspirator, because I don't have the heart to tell you:

that you've tucked your knickers into your skirt; that your painted nails are sluttish; that your t-shirts are too tight; that you've already lost your allure; that the bags under your eyes are inherited and therefore permanent; that all that make-up makes you look like a drunk doll; that the self-mutilation does little to attract admirers;

that you're in a dead end job; that you don't have to prostitute yourself to get ahead; that the boss is already knocking off the redhead in Personnel and has his eye on your little sister; that marketing is hardly brain surgery; that your self-confidence if misplaced.

No offence.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeee entertain you


We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)