* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait

5 August 2002
George wishes she was writing Pass Notes

Name of the game

Sardines in Nightclubs

Numbers of players

Minimum 3; Maximum - (NB. For very high numbers of players, a list should be kept by the "sardine" of the names of all players)


Nightclub (crowded); a busy wine-bar or pub may substitute if needs be.

How to play

For the first game one player is chosen (by whichever desired means) as the "sardine". S/he is then given an allocated time period (usually 2 minutes) to hide. The remaining players then split up to hunt for the sardine. When a player finds the sardine, they hid with him/her. This continues until the last player finds the hidden group; for all games thereafter, the last player to find the group becomes the new sardine.

Hiding places

The group must decide whether any hiding places are off-limits. Examples may include the toilet areas (if gender-specific), behind the bar, in the cloakroom etc.

You're having a laugh aren't you? I remember sardines, playing it at parties when I was 8. So what's the point of playing it in nightclubs? Why not just dance or try to pull? Bloody Oxford graduates

Because it's sheer genius. Think about it - you spend most of the time in a nightclub wandering round trying to find your mates. Why not turn that wasted time into a thrilling game for all the gang?


Seriously, you'll love it.

And you've played this, have you?

Yes! In a split-level pub/club in Brighton. Meredith was the first sardine and hid in a corner of the dancefloor. When a few of us had found her, the DJ boomed "And this one's for you people sitting on the floor - come on, get up and dance!" Despite frantic hand-gesturing he continued to draw attention to us for a good few minutes. Then Richard hid under a table (belonging to people he didn't know); when I found him it was very disconcerting to see his little eyes peering up from between their legs. Finally Jo wedged himself into an alcove - most of us fitted in there until security gave us funny looks.


No, really!

But what about pulling?

You're not thinking this through, are you? Just find the lovely that you're after, intrigue them with the game you're playing and persuade them to cram into a tight space with you, all in the name of sport! Cracking! Marvellous!

Not to be confused with

Wink Murder in Restaurants, Musical Chairs at Weddings.

Don't say

What are you doing under that podium? Get up and dance!

Do say

Room for a little one in there?


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

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