* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Series 8

30 May 2002
George ain't heavy.

I expect you won't broadcast this. I don't give a fuck. You probably won't even put it up on the webcam. I know that what I'll say in the next fifteen minutes is likely just between you, me, and whichever cameraman's on the other side of the glass.

But no, I don't mind a cosy little ménage-a trois. Either way, you'll have to listen won't you? Well done, by the way on the heating. Nice and toasty. You'll notice that this is the fifth airing of the pink bikini in as many weeks.

I think you know how we're all getting on in here. It's ridiculous for me to give you news, given all you see, but I'd like to talk about it. Whilst the excitement of the past few days has been very thrilling, I'm looking forward to an easy time coming up. Well done researchers by the way on the thorough background check on Ali - nice work. And thanks for the drugs: are they from sponsors? Do you get bonuses very when we leave the bottles out on clear surfaces? We're all sleeping a lot sounder for it, and Sally's been designated to sleep in the girls' room with her to make sure she doesn't freak in the night. I think we made neat work of the sheets, and she's snugly bound in.

Which of course leaves the rest of us in the boys' room, nice and cosy. I don't actually know if there's any screwing going on. Of an evening, I put my earplugs in and dream on. But you know that. Alan and Jo, possibly. Out of interest, why were they picked? Did Alan show hidden depths in the aptitude tests, or is he going to go apeshit in the next fortnight too?

Here's something - Jo actually signed onto the electoral roll for this series. Did you know that? The only time she's ever cast her vote has been on Thursdays in here. Ironic, no? Even more so given that both Ash and I were warned by our mums to take our names off the roll when the selection came around. Which we clearly didn't do. Out of sixty million people, it didn't seem like much of a risk.

Which brings us on to me. And I know you're not going to give an answer, unless it arrives with the food but: why me? Everyone else (bar Alan) I can place. We've had the lesbian, kooks, the sensitive bloke, the laddish bloke, the soft girl, the ethnic mix - Korean/Iranian, nice! - Alan, and me. I suppose Alan even fits in a boring type of way. But where am I in all of this? My piercings, tattoos, lefty tendencies, time spent travelling and strange job are all covered by the others.

It's not something which anyone else has mentioned. There's talk about how surprised we were to be chosen. No-one thinks they're got the necessary magic to be interesting for ten weeks, but you know better. None of us have an "I'm kerr-azy, me! Look, a banana!" attitude which would really piss everyone off.

So why us? Why me?

Some other points. Naya's stopped eating. If she's out on Friday then she can get help or whatever, but she's unlikely to be. We get little enough food anyhow, so it's - comforting, to know that we've got an extra portion between us. I can't speak for the others, but I've got a feeling that Ash could be nominated. He's lovely, and if it weren't for this then I'd like to get to know him better. But he eats so much! If he goes and Naya stays then the next month could be bearable. And if we do well on the next task, we'd like more hot water. I've grown quite fond of the others, but personal space is important to me in the shower.

Also, we're not sure how Ali's going to vote, what with things being how they are. Should we decide for her or try to work out what she says? Her tongue's a bit swollen, but Sally's best at working it out.

Oh, if you do broadcast any of this - hi Mum! I'm fine, I'm well. Don't worry, the hair will grow back. I'm thinking of you every day to win. Give my love to Dad when you visit. Love you lots, and I'll see you soon.

A minute? Ok. Well, thanks for listening. I'm up for feeding Ali next - another one who's not taking her full portion - to give Sally some space. Could you look into the hot water thing? Cheers. See you tomorrow.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

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