* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.


18 March 2002
George likes to lick the bowl.


NB. Music playing throughout is "One" by U2.

A kitchen - very new, set in a loft, with lots of Alessi and other modern equipment in it. From the light coming through the skylight, we judge it to be early morning.

Pan l-r and moving up: we see every surface has some item of CAKE-based foodstuff on it (ie. Chocolate gateaux, Trifle, Fruit Cake [NB. Not wedding], Pavlova, Fairy cakes etc.) At the end of the breakfast counter sits a young woman with her head in her hands.

NB. Young woman is 25-30, glossy brunette hair and (when we see her face) extremely pretty in a fresh-faced manner. Slim and pert, dressed in stylish, smart-casual close-fitting clothes. She has not overindulged in CAKE.

Young woman [O/S]

I'm never prepared for it when it comes. Those mornings when the kitchen smells like a bakery.

She looks up and scans the kitchen.

Young woman [O/S]

When there aren't any clean mixing bowls. And I know that there are olives and capers, and even anchovies in here but - but all that I can see is icing.

CUT TO: The rear-seats of a car (large). Four punk kids sit there (one sitting on the anothers lap).

NB. Punk kids are 15-18, dyed black/multicoloured braided/dreadlocked hair, multiple piercing and tattoos. Wearing Marilyn Manson/Slipknot/Cradle of Filth T-shirts, bondage trousers, ripped neon fishnets etc. Look as though they have returned from a concert after getting into a fight.

Three of the punk kids are holding CAKE.

Punk kid 1 holding CAKE

This blows, man.

Punk kid 2 holding CAKE

Fuckin' A. What the fuck are we meant to do now?

Punk kid 3 has Punk kid 4 on his lap, who is holding CAKE

There's always too fuckin' much. Shit.

CUT TO: Interior of a smart City office, with an elderly businessman sitting at a large oak desk.

NB. Elderly businessman very smartly dressed in discreet pinstripe. Very distinguished.

There are several CAKES (Tarte au citron) scattered across the desk, some still in patisserie boxes. The elderly businessman is sitting upright. Swooping pan to his face reveals that he is weeping.

Pan to one of the CAKES.

Cakexterminator representative [O/S]

On your own, or in a group; at work or at home - the misery is real. We at Cakexterminator understand. We're there for you. And we can help you through this.

CUT TO: Cakexterminator offices. Cakexterminator workers busy everywhere; pan to some eating savoury foodstuffs (eg. cheese sandwiches, caviar on blinis, lamb hot-pot) as they work. Cakexterminator representative looks up from her desk to address camera.

NB. Cakexterminator representative young slim attractive female: speaks in soft Scottish accent.

Cakexterminator representative

The nausea. The cravings. The lack of control. With seventy-years in the business, the Cakexterminator team have the knowledge and expertise to provide the methods of cake removal and destruction that you deserve.

CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team in action in the elderly businessman's office. He continues to weep, but now he weeps tears of joy.

CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team in action in the punk kids' car. The punk kids stand at the side of the road, eating smoked salmon canapˇs offered to them by the Cakexterminator team.

Cakexterminator representative

We provide quality services which include assistance with post-traumatic stress...

CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team leaving the young woman's de-CAKEd kitchen. Cakexterminator representative 2 smiles at the young woman and offers her chicken-and-chips in a basket, which she, smiling, accepts.

NB. Cakexterminator representative 2 is young, buff and attractive: could possibly resemble a fireman or Brad Pitt.

Cakexterminator representative

...and excellent after-service care.

CUT TO: Bedroom of the young woman, where she and Cakexterminator 2 lie, clearly post-coital. The chicken and chips are scattered liberally around the bed.

Pan to Cakexterminator 2's underwear, which has fallen to reveal the Cakexterminator logo. Close up.

Cakexterminator representative

Cakexterminator. We're there because we care.



This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

Let meeeeeee entertain you

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