One year. 100 articles. So we're having a Reader's Party. Come along to Upsidecrown.

Upsideclown banner

Fresh Mondays and Thursdays   ARCHIVE   US



17 August 2000
Let all that do ill take this precedent, Dan may his fate foresee but not prevent.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.

Yes, it's a crappy joke. It's a joke of such transcendent poverty that I knew something was up. Jokes like that don't just happen. Somebody does them to people, and does them for a reason.

But wait. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me go back to the beginning. Weave a circle round me twice, for I have returned from the mountain with the secret of Ananova.

Ananova, the virtual newsreader. The poster child for posthumanity. Ananova comprises a tremendously complex metaphor for speech - the intonation, the muscles, the bare-faced cheek, the lip and the tip of the tongue. Beyond flexion and inflexion, she also confirms something which, deep down, even the most fanatical New Playstatesmen must have known. Lara Croft is a bit of a heifer.

Strange to apply such terms to the daughters of pixels, but work with me here. This is taking me away from a valuable exercise in town planning - a public amenity in the bombed-out library where elderly men can suckle piglets at the groin or nipple. It could change the face of the High Street, so listen up. And look grateful, dammit.

Ananova's site has a "your requests" section where you can e-mail in little statements for her to speak. Anyone want to consider the psychology of a man (and it will be a man) who sends e-mail to an imaginary girl in the hope of having it read back to him? The one-sided nature of male desire expressed without intimacy in a closed loop. The joke that began this disquisition was one such e-mail.

A brief apostrophe. Have you seen Soylent Green? I don't want to ruin the ending for you (it's made from people), but, in short, it takes place in an overpopulated, post-ecocaust world where nobody sees Charlton Heston and Edward G Robinson sharing a flat as just a tad strange. It begins with the Heston working his thighs on an exercycle to provide electricity for the aforementioned. You know - pedal, pedal, pedal, lightbulb comes on.

So. Edward G Robinson and a crappy joke delivered by our very own Ananova, green-haired vocal glove-puppet at the tree of knowledge. And somehow the vital connection is made.

Ananova and Lara are two points along a line of largely female synthespianism; see also Joanna Dark, the sexy one in "Reboot" et hoc genus omne.

Unlike tedious, wasteful real girls, these bitmap sisters waste not a single pixel. Legs are long and breasts perky because, if legs are not long nor breasts perky, there is no purpose to them, barring the irrelevances of locomotion and babyfeeding. Lengthy immersion in water does nothing to affect already molecule-hugging clothing. Best of all, the real polygon kids have. No. Genitalia. Whatsoever. Not even a suggestion or implication of the curious, unreconstructable odours, the fluid discharge, the peculiar incrinkling and solid exhalation of the flesh.

Take away these scary things, the existence or at least the implication of which is sadly present in conventional pornography, and you have the ultimate object of desire for those who, in a world where we are all geeks, are still noticeably geeks. Add Lara's inability to hold a non-linear conversation, and you're talking marriage material.

Now, the geek is a much underrated source of energy. They sweat too much, and at least some of that vile off-milk stench must come from natural gas. They twitch constantly, hurling kinetic and chemical energy out into the upper air. Picture one masturbating frantically on an almost perpetual basis, only demanding enough power to keep a vacuum tube flickering, and you create the ecologist's dream. A turbine converting natural, renewable energy into electrical power, with an efficiency of over 100%. Keep them fed and watered, and the fierce chemical furnace of social exclusion will keep pumping out megaergs until an early death from a curious combination of starvation and obesity. Like the Matrix, only covered in cum.

Sadly, there is one serpent in this 3DFX Garden of Eden. No functional moving parts means no functional parts to move you. Scan as many Nude Raider sites as you will, but you know that the ur-breasts are, ultimately, pointless. Literally. How, in the end, do the Venus on a halfshell-shocked masses get their robojollies?

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

That's a media file, so you can stop it, cut it, paste it, move it around. Make Ananova, within reason, do just what you want her to.

Pause for a second.

Yes, you and the file. Say the joke to yourself, very slowly. See how many times during its course your lips form a full, round

oh god

pouting circle, a soft, welcoming

dirty newsreader dirty corduroy dirty

ring of flesh. Feel your tongue gently pressing


against the roof of your mouth. Just

255! 255! 255!


Mind you, it all depends on how easily you're pleased. But, as Confucius says, those with Satan's sasparilla pooling in their lap should throw stones sparingly and with a gentle underarm motion.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
30 October 2003. Dan writes: My only goal
9 October 2003. Dan writes: The Knot
18 September 2003. Dan writes: The Engelbart Elephant
28 August 2003. Dan writes: The Amity Index
7 August 2003. Dan writes: This Sporting Life
17 July 2003. Dan writes: Touch
26 June 2003. Dan writes: Metadata
5 June 2003. Dan writes: Street Mate
15 May 2003. Dan writes: Usher's Well
24 April 2003. Dan writes: Medicamenta
3 April 2003. Dan writes: Weapons of Mass Construction
13 March 2003. Dan writes: David Sneddon, Bukake Secret Agent
20 February 2003. Dan writes: Mary Sue
30 January 2003. Dan writes: Bait and Switch
9 January 2003. Dan writes: What Never Happened
19 December 2002. Dan writes: Sermon on the Mount the Face
28 November 2002. Dan writes: Ballroom Blitz
7 November 2002. Dan writes: The Photographer
17 October 2002. Dan writes: Diaphragmatic
26 September 2002. Dan writes: A life in the day
5 September 2002. Dan writes: Different Class
15 August 2002. Dan writes: Story and sequel
25 July 2002. Dan writes: Fellatious
4 July 2002. Dan writes: Skin Mag
10 June 2002. Dan writes: The Ibizan book of the Dead
16 May 2002. Dan writes: The Sissons Situation
22 April 2002. Dan writes: UpsideClown and Out in Hollywood
28 March 2002. Dan writes: Nereus' Daughters
4 March 2002. Dan writes: Diomedes
7 February 2002. Dan writes: Text Only
14 January 2002. Dan writes: Civil Engineering
20 December 2001. Dan writes: Nativity
26 November 2001. Dan writes: The Wedding Band
1 November 2001. Dan writes: what dreans mecum?
8 October 2001. Dan writes: Stop me if you've heard this one before
13 September 2001. Dan writes: Mother of the Muses
20 August 2001. Dan writes: I say I say I say
26 July 2001. Dan writes: Bigger, Better, Brother
2 July 2001. Dan writes: Hecatomb
7 June 2001. Dan writes: Dispassionate Leave
14 May 2001. Dan writes: Small Town Boy
19 April 2001. Dan writes: Maintaining the Driving Line
26 March 2001. Dan writes: Cut and Paste
1 March 2001. Dan writes: Redemption
5 February 2001. Dan writes: Blyton the Face of the Earth
8 January 2001. Dan writes: Smoke Signals
18 December 2000. Dan writes: The Loa Depths
23 November 2000. Dan writes: The Limits of Melissa Joan Hart
30 October 2000. Dan writes: Shiftwork
5 October 2000. Dan writes: Dawson
11 September 2000. Dan writes: Testing Times
17 August 2000. Dan writes: Onanova
3 July 2000. Dan writes: Roboto il Diavolo

Let meeeeee entertain you


We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)