* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Hongkong In Four Tableaux

26 December 2002
James reflects on his home town.

The polished point of the pendulum swept through the filtered purity of the salt-like sand, meditating through the apex of its arc before beginning again. A perfect reflection, a cycle of transient energies passing through the humid air, yet carving their mark, temporarily indelible, on the face of the earth. Next door, among gadget gifts and flashing lights in the window of the knick-knack shop the box of Selina the doll whose "wet pussy and tight ass are waiting for you" nestled next to the 6" Shooter Lady Massager complete with "squeezable squirting scrotum".


I hear the Nokia song and turn around. I'm in the basement of a packed, fairly dingy shopping arcade filled with small shops selling pirate cdroms. This is the "big shop", which has a false wall that they close the punters in behind when all the smaller shops are having their monthly raid by the feds. People are hushed, with the fairground tingle of tension mixed with confidence that thousands of people get through this every day, so nothing's going to happen to me. The mobile is answered and the man talks as he continues to browse the colour photocopies of software covers. The generic orange pink of the cheap colour toner clashes with his Buddhist robes, and he slips his mobile back into a hidden pocket.


On the TV the latest action movie is on. Arnie, Sly and Bruce are big in this town, their collective back catalogues providing the standard fodder for the two English language channels. Action movies are different here - the brutal fight scenes and blood and guts remain viciously uncut while the inevitable love scene, however, is always carefully trimmed to exclude any hint of nipple. This makes the late night movies sometimes incredibly short. Emmanuelle has been shown here on TV. But it only took thirty-five minutes, including ads.


A quick lunch for me today at the nearest Maccie Dees. There is always one nearby. By and large, restaurants here are extremely good, but expensive, so this is a welcome break in terms of cash. And the corporate adherence to consistency means that the quality is alright too. I look at the red and yellow plastic poster at my right shoulder. Employee of the Month is someone called Herpes Chow. Taking my drink and bag of food, I go to eat my meal at the waterfront and drink in the taste of my home town. Merry Christmas.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
16 October 2003. James writes: Jakesy's School of Urban Driving
24 September 2003. James writes: Chapter One
4 September 2003. James writes: The Silicon Soul
14 August 2003. James writes: A Room With 100 Seats
24 July 2003. James writes: English For Beginners
3 July 2003. James writes: Coldplay are crap. Discuss.
9 June 2003. James writes: It Takes All Sorts
22 May 2003. James writes: Lesson 2: Buying his Gran for a tenner
1 May 2003. James writes: Rosencrantz and Leytonstone
10 April 2003. James writes: Character Building
20 March 2003. James writes: So This Is It. What Are We Going To Do About It?
27 February 2003. James writes: Street Level Zero
6 February 2003. James writes: Reference: James Noteworthy
16 January 2003. James writes: Kissing George Clooney for just £99!
26 December 2002. James writes: Hongkong In Four Tableaux
5 December 2002. James writes: We Are Your Idea
14 November 2002. James writes: The Knight Of Spring Fervent
24 October 2002. James writes: Go On, Be Honest
7 October 2002. James writes: Cold Comfort
12 September 2002. James writes: Peas In A Pod
22 August 2002. James writes: Seed Investment
1 August 2002. James writes: We Are QPR
11 July 2002. James writes: The Road to Ossuna
20 June 2002. James writes: Pret A Teleporter
27 May 2002. James writes: A Play On Words
2 May 2002. James writes: Labour Saving Device
8 April 2002. James writes: Beggaring Belief
14 March 2002. James writes: Small Things
18 February 2002. James writes: Drop Dead Letters
24 January 2002. James writes: High-Rise Rhapsody
27 December 2001. James writes: My drift's too hip to resist.
6 December 2001. James writes: My Lord Has No Nose
12 November 2001. James writes: A Job For Life
18 October 2001. James writes: Which is the cleverest animal?
24 September 2001. James writes: Interview With An Automatum
30 August 2001. James writes: Each To Their Own
6 August 2001. James writes: An Escape, In Sonata Form
12 July 2001. James writes: Truckloads Of Goodies
18 June 2001. James writes: There's No Such Thing As A Coincidence
24 May 2001. James writes: It's All True - The Paper Says So
30 April 2001. James writes: A Letter From Prisyn
16 April 2001. James writes: I Quit
15 March 2001. James writes: An Essay In Procrastination
15 February 2001. James writes: Confessions Of An English Sand-Eater
22 January 2001. James writes: The Future And The Pasta
28 December 2000. James writes: Never drink with men in red
4 December 2000. James writes: The Underground
9 November 2000. James writes: Right answer. Wrong answer
16 October 2000. James writes: The March of Proudfoot: Part I
21 September 2000. James writes: You haven't got a chance
28 August 2000. James writes: Bad, man. Wicked
24 July 2000. James writes: I play games with street lamps

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