* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Labour Saving Device

2 May 2002
James already has the patent pending.

Congratulations on your purchase of HomeStork (TM), setting the standard in personal domestic gestation devices for the past eight years. Hailed as a great leap forward in gender equality and family planning, it has been argued that this device, more than any other modern home convenience, has fundamentally caused changes in society.

The male dominance of society - universally recognised, constantly theorised upon, and very much maligned. It permeates every human culture to such an extent that most sociologists and philosophers would agree that it is inevitable. Feminist movements strive to understand this phenomenon and attempt to either subvert or influence it. The quest for gender equality most often taken a political shape, lobbying to recognise the economic value of the traditional female role as child bearer and home-maker, and to ensure that simply being female does not naturally hinder the opportunities a woman may have.

There is a very simple cause for the gender inequality that is so obvious that it has not been examined or challenged to any reasonable extent. The fact of the matter is that women can bear children, and must do so for the species to survive. Pure and basic biology. Having a child is a traumatic physical experience, and means that any other sort of activities a woman partakes in (i.e. career, sport, even social life) must take second place during the lengthy gestation period. After the child is born, it is only natural that the mother takes on the main burden of child care, as a significant amount of time has already been devoted to the child during gestation. Political or economic solutions are not going to challenge this biological fact, and will only serve to strengthen the gender imbalance in society. A biological question requires a biological answer...

Inside this box you will find all the equipment necessary to complete your home gestation, excluding of course nutrient refills. After the starter pack enclosed has been used or expired, more can be purchased from any reputable supermarket or pharmacy.

The brushed chrome/aluminium cylindrical framework (80cm length, 40cm diameter) forms the body of your HomeStork. Attach the fastenings securely to the ceiling of your selected room, and suspend the HomeStork framework from the attachments using the chain provided. There are detailed instructions and safety tips provided in the Attachments Pack. Suspending the HomeStork from the ceiling ensures several things: it is exposed to as warm and as constant external temperature as possible, it is kept safe from bumps and knocks, and it is conveniently out of your way. We strongly recommend that you purchase a strong folding ladder that is tall enough for you to reach the Nutrient Tube comfortably without stretching.

Upon the implantation of a fertilised egg, a fermentation-like reaction slowly fills the framework with a creamy froth. This then gradually hardens on the outside to provide airtight seal, proper insulation, as well as a degree cushioning protection in case of an accident. (Please note that while all effort has been made to ensure that your baby will survive unharmed if the bracket breaks, this can not be guaranteed. Ensure that the bracket is fastened correctly according to the instructions provided, and high quality fixings are used. If in doubt, contact a professional.) Your child will grow safely and healthily in the comfort of your HomeStork, so long as the Nutrient Tube is regularly topped-up.

The Nutrient Tube is the clear plastic tube in the top of your HomeStork. It is clearly marked with "Min" and "Max" lines to ensure that you know what level of nutrient to add. The constant addition of good quality nutrient is vital for the well-being of your baby, as this feeds the Virtual Placenta and ensures your baby receives oxygen as well as the energy required to grow. IF YOU DO NOT KEEP THE NUTRIENT TUBE FILLED, THERE IS A DANGER YOUR BABY WILL DIE. We have endeavoured to make keeping the Nutrient Tube topped-up as easy as possible by providing a Timer Alarm with every HomeStork. Follow the instruction provided, and this will give a useful guide as to when nutrient is due to be added, even waking you in the night is need be.

There have been many scare stories about the use of HomeStork as a gestation device, especially claims such as "it puts my baby at risk or abnormality". Science provides us with evidence that means it is easy for us to refute this - births from HomeStorks are statistically less likely to yield birth defects, and what's more, mortality rates among mothers and/or babies are greatly reduced.

In addition to the obvious physical advantages of not having the trauma of child birth, using the HomeStork means that parents can truly share the child rearing experience. Mothers no longer have to take lengthy maternity leave if they do not wish to. Fathers gain from having more share of the contact with the child throughout the process. HomeStork is a technological innovation that provides a truly level standing between men and women in the family for the first time in human history. In addition, family structures other than the traditional nuclear can gain from using HomeStork. And once your child is born, please browse the catalogues included in this pack for hundreds of great deals of baby products and parenting guides!

If used correctly, the HomeStork will ensure a healthy gestation and birth, with no risk to the mother or baby. If you have any questions on the product or on the extra-maternal gestation process in general, please do not hesitate to contact us here at HomeStork. We are always happy to serve our customers.

Enjoy our product and best of luck with the addition to your family!


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
16 October 2003. James writes: Jakesy's School of Urban Driving
24 September 2003. James writes: Chapter One
4 September 2003. James writes: The Silicon Soul
14 August 2003. James writes: A Room With 100 Seats
24 July 2003. James writes: English For Beginners
3 July 2003. James writes: Coldplay are crap. Discuss.
9 June 2003. James writes: It Takes All Sorts
22 May 2003. James writes: Lesson 2: Buying his Gran for a tenner
1 May 2003. James writes: Rosencrantz and Leytonstone
10 April 2003. James writes: Character Building
20 March 2003. James writes: So This Is It. What Are We Going To Do About It?
27 February 2003. James writes: Street Level Zero
6 February 2003. James writes: Reference: James Noteworthy
16 January 2003. James writes: Kissing George Clooney for just £99!
26 December 2002. James writes: Hongkong In Four Tableaux
5 December 2002. James writes: We Are Your Idea
14 November 2002. James writes: The Knight Of Spring Fervent
24 October 2002. James writes: Go On, Be Honest
7 October 2002. James writes: Cold Comfort
12 September 2002. James writes: Peas In A Pod
22 August 2002. James writes: Seed Investment
1 August 2002. James writes: We Are QPR
11 July 2002. James writes: The Road to Ossuna
20 June 2002. James writes: Pret A Teleporter
27 May 2002. James writes: A Play On Words
2 May 2002. James writes: Labour Saving Device
8 April 2002. James writes: Beggaring Belief
14 March 2002. James writes: Small Things
18 February 2002. James writes: Drop Dead Letters
24 January 2002. James writes: High-Rise Rhapsody
27 December 2001. James writes: My drift's too hip to resist.
6 December 2001. James writes: My Lord Has No Nose
12 November 2001. James writes: A Job For Life
18 October 2001. James writes: Which is the cleverest animal?
24 September 2001. James writes: Interview With An Automatum
30 August 2001. James writes: Each To Their Own
6 August 2001. James writes: An Escape, In Sonata Form
12 July 2001. James writes: Truckloads Of Goodies
18 June 2001. James writes: There's No Such Thing As A Coincidence
24 May 2001. James writes: It's All True - The Paper Says So
30 April 2001. James writes: A Letter From Prisyn
16 April 2001. James writes: I Quit
15 March 2001. James writes: An Essay In Procrastination
15 February 2001. James writes: Confessions Of An English Sand-Eater
22 January 2001. James writes: The Future And The Pasta
28 December 2000. James writes: Never drink with men in red
4 December 2000. James writes: The Underground
9 November 2000. James writes: Right answer. Wrong answer
16 October 2000. James writes: The March of Proudfoot: Part I
21 September 2000. James writes: You haven't got a chance
28 August 2000. James writes: Bad, man. Wicked
24 July 2000. James writes: I play games with street lamps

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