All for the best
7 January 2002
It's a flaw or something, a mutation, like being albino, but there's an extra thing in my eyes that lets me see another colour, and in this colour I see the people, the people who make coincidences happen. And they're everywhere, pale people making sure that everything important goes the way they want it to. The general who loses his keys, the stockbroker who flips a coin to sell a stock.
When I was young I thought everyone knew so it confused me when people confided in me, like it was some great secret, that "everything happens for a reason". Well yeah, of course. Slowly I figured out that other people didn't see what I did and I kept things quiet, didn't want to be different.
I reckon that's what religions are. Relics of somebody speaking out, saying with only the conviction and authority that people who know the truth have that We're Not On Our Own, that there's a Will, a Guiding Force.
Not that it did humanity much good. To be told, I mean. It didn't really change anything. Of course, that was before -- it's only biochemistry that I can see after all. Given a little analysis, a little experimentation, the whole world could see what I can see. That would shake things up a little wouldn't it?
I'll Come Out With It, I used to think. How can it be fair to us to be forced down a road without even knowing where it leads? We're being manipulated.
But then again, does it really matter? What we don't know doesn't hurt us. We live out our lives. Should the mechanics of the universe concern us, however they're enacted? And since we don't know the purpose, are we really being disturbed? It's only a Plan if it's taking us somewhere.
So I didn't say anything. I kept my head down, and led a life where I saw the figures as little as possible.
Then so many terrible things started happening. It was an awful year, not just for me but for everyone. A compendium of mistakes and cascading coincidences caused death and misery on all scales, and everywhere I saw these almost transparent figures. I was furious.
When somebody I cared for very deeply muttered, almost chanting, almost trying to convince themselves, "It's all God's will It's all God's will", crying and hugging me tight I couldn't even look them in the eye.
I was all ready to act.
But then.. I lost confidence that knowing would make everything that had happened easier for people. What did I know anyway? And so, slowly, I went back to my life.
And I've no doubt returning to my quiet life was made quicker and easier when We met.
When we met for the first time I knew she was the one for me. She occupied my mind continuously. In a way, she was a person shaping the way my individual life went. Not that she knew to begin with.
We talked and kissed and I don't really think she had much of an idea how much of an effect she had on me. And she would do things casually I never thought we be possible in another person -- she almost knew what I was thinking, or would do next, without even realising she was there with me. She understood.
And gradually we came to know each other more and more, and I found my feelings being reciprocated. That day she said she loved me for the first time, that was my universe complete, my life fulfilled, but I was staring into her eyes and just as I looked away I could see something else behind those clear, deep brown eyes. Something pale, cold and thin, something that flickered away as quickly as I saw it. So when I buried my face in her shoulder, smelt her hair and pressed her close to me, I was crying, because I knew none of it was real.
That's why I'm here. That's why I want to the world to know. Who are these figures? What are they pushing us towards? Why that year of catastrophe? I refuse to believe that any of this can be good for our society. We should have control of our destiny.
The university have said they're going to help, to investigate and spread the knowledge. I've avoided any chaotic events, any hints of those thin shadows passing over the world. There wasn't a moment when a lost set of keys could mean a missed train. I can careful.
Here I am. The anesthetic is taking effect and I'm in theatre. We're about to find out for the first time what's really going on. The figures aren't anywhere in sight.
But then the surgeon says "It's all for the best" and I realise there's no reason for the figures to be here, everyone knows already. I know now there's no point struggling against my fate, I'm not going to wake up, and this knife is the last thing I'm going to see.
But then from the corner of my eye I see a pale shape flash by -- the lights flicker, go out and I hear with a muffled curse the doctor trip and crack his head on the floor. I sleep.